My vitals showed slightly low O2 levels and slightly elevated blood pressure and pulse rates. I was diagnosed with acute bronchitis and possible but unlikely asthma and sent home with an inhaler and antibiotics. I have a follow-up appointment at the birth center tomorrow at 11:45 AM.
There was just too much to describe, but I thought I'd attempt to give some idea of the flavor of this epic. I was in a locked room for the most exciting thing that happened, a guy going into a seizure and his girlfriend going wacko-screaming-crazy in the waiting room, so you'll have to settle for my boring first-hand experiences.
Vignette #1: Kim and Julie's Coat Check Service
Miss J and I became the coat check service for the ER waiting room yesterday.
- A large disheveled man who smelled of stale alcohol sweat handed me a large clear plastic bag that wrapped a package of grocery store cornbread. "Can you watch that for me? I have to go out for ten minutes. Don't let anyone take that. I need that to eat after my surgery." I place the cornbread gingerly on the seat next to me. He did return later to retrieve his cornbread. "Someone just gave that to me!" he said. He was thrilled.
- The woman next to us who heard voices rolled a cigarette (have you ever seen someone roll a cigarette in the ER?) and then said, "If you hear them call me, then tell them I'm outside smoking. Pauline D."
- Coleman C., the nice 57-year-old former Marine with a bullet in his back from a drive-by shooting last week and a daughter at Penn State, also asked us periodically to watch his stuff and listen for his name.
Vignette #2: The Return of Cornbread Man
Mistah C arrived at the ER after work (7:30-8PM-ish) and he brought food. We still had not seen a doctor. Not long after his arrival, we were ushered from the waiting room to a second waiting room which would apparently fast-track us for treatment (since we'd been there for at least six hours at that point, fast is relative). Julie and I regaled Mistah C with stories of the people we'd met, including Cornbread Man. Every time we heard a man speaking too loudly in the hallway, we peeked to see if it was him, but it was not. When Mistah C and I went to the 24-hour pharmacy across from the hospital to get my scrips filled, who was waiting in line before me but Cornbread Man. He waved at me. I waved back at him and said, "Where's your cornbread?" They were keeping it at the front desk so it didn't look like he was shoplifting. No word on his surgery.
Vignette #3: Billy the EMT-in-Training
Billy was probably the funniest thing that happened all evening and bless your heart if you find this, Billy, but it looked like your first day. Once I had finally been taken to a bed in a room with only one other patient, a nurse came in and took my vitals with one of those automated machines. My blood pressure and pulse were back down and my O2 levels were up to 99-98% (probably as a result of the albuterol they gave me in the waiting room). She left and not long after an EMT came in and introduced Billy, an intern EMT who is doing his rounds in ER. He was going to do take my vitals, a history, and listen to my lungs. I had a moment of slight panic where I wasn't about to allow Billy to diagnose me, but that was beyond Billy. The EMT told C and J to give Billy a hard time.
Billy gave himself a hard enough time. He started the standard questionnaire. I told him I was 26 weeks pregnant and he was both surprised and not sure where to write that on the form. At one point, he asked me to rate the pain and I said there wasn't any real pain but just a tightness in my chest when I took a breath. He gave me a 1-10 scale and I picked 1. Then he showed me the form and asked me to pick one of the series of smiley faces to express how I felt, from very smiley to very frowny with tears. This made us all laugh. I picked not super smiley but still smiling.
Then Billy said he'd take my pulse, and I noticed he was kneeling on the floor instead of using the rolling doctor stool. "Would you like to sit down?" I asked, and yeah, he would. He had to find the stopwatch function on his cell phone to get a timer since there were no clocks. Then he had to find my pulse. This took a really long time. Billy then tried to take my blood pressure but couldn't get the cuff to work. "Are they hazing you?" I asked, wondering at this point if they were hazing me. He went and found another cuff. He was reluctant to tighten it up and rated my blood pressure as 130 over 90, which is just off-the-chart high for me. I can't remember what happened, but he did something halfway through that was just ridiculous and we all burst out laughing, so maybe laughing skews your BP.
Back to the questionnaire: What was my complaint? Did I walk in here myself? All the standard questions. Then Billy started asking me the questions I don't think the medical personnel are supposed to ask in their outside voices. "Are you cooperative? Confused? Aware? Will you hurt yourself or try to take your life if left alone? Are you frustrated or angry enough to injure yourself or others while waiting to see a doctor?"
You all think I am making that last question up but poor earnest Billy asked that and my two friends were there as witnesses.
"Well, let me put it this way," I said to dear, sweet Billy, who is learning a profession that is very necessary for society and I would never want to do, "I have been in that waiting room for at least six hours so far, and if I haven't hurt or killed anyone so far, odds are pretty good I can hold out a little longer."
Billy asked at the end of all this, "Is there anything else you would like to tell me about?" This is when Mister C said, "Well, if you were Cameron, you would ask if she had a dog or had just traveled out of the country or something." The poor EMT-trainee had never seen House, which is probably good. But this threw him off. He was relieved that C was talking about imaginary people on TV.
Billy's opinions had no bearing on my diagnosis or treatment, so it was just a charming diversion while we waited. Good luck with the rest of the residency, Billy - you will be a great EMT someday!
