Week 12: The Very Last Birth Class

Two happy surprises in yesterday's birth class: both couples who have had their babies showed up (one gave birth a week ago yesterday, one gave birth Saturday night). I was so pleased to see them. We got to hear all about their births, which were both unmedicated. The couple that gave birth Saturday had tiny baby with them (the other couple's little girl is still in the NICU but doing great and we got to see pics of the cutie). I've got not enough time and too much sense to invade their privacy by trying to repeat their stories here, but if they end up putting theirs online somewhere, I'll post a link.

A lactaction consultant was also in attendance, and boy howdy would she not shut up. After the birth stories, she began peppering the moms with questions about their techniques. It was like being at a lecture you never asked to attend. I appreciate that she was trying to help, especially the couple with the preemie, but most of what she said, the mom said, "Yes, I'm doing that," or "Yes, I'm doing this."

The consultant put in a movie by an Australian consultant about breastfeeding which could have been, oh, a quarter of the length long. It was extremely repetitive. Halfway through the movie, the couple with the baby in NICU had to go visit the kid, and instead of stopping the movie like a sane and rational person to allow us to say goodbye, the instructor kept the film rolling and the consultant kept pointing out the same damn points that had already been made ad nauseum. I so would have rather said goodbye properly to the other couple; I was so glad to hear that they were all doing so well.

Anyway, part way through class, the baby looks like he needs fed. The lactaction consultant pretty much sacrifices the mom to the God of Education by making her the Vanna White of Breastfeeding for the remainder of class. While the consultant was helping them get settled, I think people tried to give them a modicum of privacy. Once the kid was latched on, this woman invited the entire class to come stare at this woman's breasts to observe the latch.

I don't care who the hell you are. Don't invite people to look at breasts that aren't yours. I asked the mom, "Is this okay with you? You don't have to be the class guinea pig just because you're here." She said it was; otherwise, I wouldn't have looked. I'm not sure what I was supposed to get out of looking; I probably didn't get what I was supposed to because I was so ticked off at this woman's assumptions of my classmate's comfort level as a new mom. I mean, we're all nice people and the new mom is capable of saying no, but she's also in an incredibly vulnerable position right now as a new mom and I wanted to respect that.

Anyway, the consultant kind of soured the rest of the class for me. She started talking about how we should be only wearing our pajamas for the first two weeks to send a signal to guests that we are not entertaining. Then she said something like, "There are some people you have to let in, like the grandparents," and this is where (yes, where was my emotional baggage again, ah yes, HERE are my 18 steamer trunks) I said, "Hell no," in my outside voice. The consultant tried to argue with me, but I wasn't having it. Nope. She may be a grandmother, but I am a woman with a backbone.

There is nobody who gets an automatic free pass to the house in the first couple weeks after birth (if you're not on the lease - and the baby and the cats already are, smarty-asses) and there is no tie of kinship nor cute little babydom that negates that. Sorry! I love you folks out there in blogland, but you had better damn well ask if it's okay for you to visit, especially if your visit requires luggage. It may be fine for you to visit if you're staying at the lovely Embassy Suites but not fine here in the tiny apartment of too much stuff.

Grumble grumble. Mistah C said I was not rude. Other people in class were laughing at whatever I said, so at least there's that.

I have to eat breakfast now so I can get to jury duty on time. Wow, jury duty. But that was class in a nutshell. I really hope we can stay in touch with our classmates; they're just cool people.